innocence

Today a 9 year old boy 

 made sure that I knew I was a fat ugly mouth bitch pretty much all day 

Who spit all over his room and the floor

Who hit me in the stomach

Who yelled at me

Who had to be redirected 1000+ times

Who bit another kid because he was mad

Is the same 9 year old boy 

Who brought me these crayons.

He said here color with me 

When I asked him why his crayons were broken he said he wanted to make sure we both had one of each color

He broke his crayons to make sure I could color with him and have every color

Listen

I finally heard you

After months of talking and looking through glossy eyes

I didn't hear you for you

I heard you for me

I'm okay

I'm not hurt

I'm not angry

I'm not "in my feelings"

I just don't care anymore

I don't mean that in a numb heartless way but in a way where I put me first

I don't want my actions to be selfish anymore

I don't want to live the rest of my life with closed ears and an open mouth

I don't want my emotions to control me until they can no longer do so as I'm laying 6 ft under

I want to grow

Learn

Shine

Make a difference

Love unconditionally and openly

And most importantly never take anyone's shit ever again

It was never you 

It was always me

(:

You missed me too.

Branch

I'm a tree branch

I float in the wind throughout my day just doing what I do to survive

I'm surrounded by my fellow branches

Animals and insects

Leaves

But still alone at the end of the day

I'm fragile

A gust of wind, a storm, anything and snap I'm broken

I fall

With Noone to catch me

I get tossed around

Burned

Thrown in the trash

Left to rot 

Alone

haha

You got me fucked up

Thought I lucked up

Found someone to finally show me love

Damn

Boy was I wrong

Now I'm laying in this bed writing poetry songs

Feeling stupid but not clueless

That last manipulation tactic you tried, yeah it was useless

The difference between me and them other bitches? 

I refuse to quit

Hold me down wait no hold me back

Months of this shit feel like I could yak

Gave you my world what did I get back?

Rejection yeah I know that's sad

feelings

Yesterday he said he was single. Everyday he is attracted to other women.

Look at her

But what about me

Last week he told me I had things I had to work on

But from the way you move is it things I need to work on or just things I need to keep quiet about

I'm wrong

I make mistakes

You say you do to but damn why are mine so much louder

Talk alittle less

Feel alittle less

Do alittle more

Last week, you said you didn't want me

Next week, maybe I will realize that I shouldn't want you...

I pray for him

My nights don't always end according to how I'd like

But they always end next to him

I look at him, sleeping

Something he rarely allows himself to do

His face still hardened by life as he lies there comatose with rain sounds in the background

I pray for him

I don't ask God to make him love me

I ask God to help him to love himself for all that he is and every decision that he has made

I don't ask God to keep me in his life forever

I ask him to guide me in ways to love him unconditionally for as long as I'm supposed to be in his life 

I don't ask God to fix him

I ask God to give him peace, to soften his heart, to turn his walls from brick to Styrofoam all in what is in his best interest to be his best self every day because we are not living if we are not learning and growing as people

I thank you God

I thank you for introducing us

I thank you for whatever it is in me that loves him so hard

I thank you for his tough love

I thank you for his personality and how he makes me laugh and how intelligent he is and how strongly he believes in you 

I thank you for the changes he has made 

I thank you for giving him patience to stay near my side and deal with all of me 

Ease his mind Lord

Heal his spirit

Guide him and 

Keep him safe 🙏

I'm sorry

How many times can I say the phrase "I'm sorry" before it is nothing other than just another phrase you've heard over and over again because God knows I'm trying so hard 

daze

Why is it always you

On my mind

How to ease your day

How to make you happy

How to make life easier for you

But I'm left here

I'm left here wondering if I'm good enough for myself much less someone else

I'm empty 

Why do I not care about me?

small things

Today he kissed me on the forehead. I didn't say a word. It made me feel calm and at peace, in your arms. The kiss sealing the deal that everything is going to be okay. See I didnt say anything because I would do anything to feel like that over and over again with you. My safe place when the storm is raging.

my day

Wake up in a panic

Late for work again

I don't know how to manage

My emotions

I feel panic

Feelings of low self worth

Anxiety

Shaking

I'm not in danger but I'm aching

Only staying on this earth for others taking

An empty shell of a person

Screaming, "God please come save me"

The Tunnel

I feel lost

My situation feels like going through a tunnel, but I never made it to the other side

It's like I was driving

Windows down

Sun shining

Feeling the open air 

I see the tunnel coming

Normally,it doesn't last long

It's dark

Quiet

Sometimes it feels so nice

To fall away from the world just for a second

And I make it through the tunnel to the other side 

Feeling the sun again

Breathing the open air

This time is different

It's like I got stuck

It pulled me in

It felt too good

The silence

The numbness

The dark

Will I see the light again before my time comes and the light leads me to my judgement

Or will I be stuck with this excruciating darkness

Forever searching for just a hint of light again