weed killer

tonight

***edit****

"Night thoughts"

Its always you

Crowding my conscious

Blurring my vision

As if theres a garden under my feet awaiting provisions

Wondering what you are up too

While im just trying to make it through the day

Wondering who youre filling your time with

A longing in my heart for you to stay

The sound of rain fills the room

My brain constantly on zoom

The ghost of you lies at my side

Ill stare at the ceiling while you haunt my mind

I wish

life

I'm at a really strange place in my life right now. Nothing is pending danger yet I feel as if something is going to happen. So far it's been one thing after another every single day. I'm exausted from working any chance I can yet but the shifts are long and the days are plenty and I just need some rest but I need the bag more. I've lost time with my son, a home, my car and now my phone is fucking up and I'm not sure what I'm going to lose next. All I have left is my job and if I lose that then I am literally left with nothing. All I know is I can't let the devil stop me and win. I have to stay dedicated to my plan and to working on myself even in harsh conditions. I refuse to quit and I refuse to fail. All I ask is God grant me alittle patience while I trust in you and cast all my worry on you. Regardless to how much I think about things or keep dwelling on things it will not change the past nor will it have any positive effect on my future. I can tell you though, that this is the loneliest that I have ever felt. I'm so used to being a nurturer and always taking care of someone that I latch on to people to feed that need and bad habit of mine. This feeling of being alone I have to learn to find comfort in because that is the only way I will find myself and better myself. I can't love anyone until I love myself and I can never be comfortable or okay with another person until I'm okay and comfortable with being alone. With being alone, I have become very observant. I have watched peoples actions towards me and things going on around me and I'm not speaking on them. I'm simply storing them and moving accordingly. It hurts like hell sometimes I won't lie. I have such a big and soft heart that if I'm allowed time to really sit and think about things I can feel my heart start shredding. I just feel everything so deeply. Things will get better, even though I back track and allow myself to get worked up and worried and hurt over these things, it passes and I know good things are bound to be coming my way.

declutter

Then you came 

Entering my messy room

You didn't feed me with sweet words

Soft touch

Fairytale futures

But it still felt like home

The clutter of my needs and emotions the mess

But it was okay because atleast I knew where everything was

Until it came time to clean up my mess

Guess I had to lose you in that process

mess

Im a mess

Broken

Gluing the pieces back together

Sometimes the pieces don't fit together anymore

Or I try to run but the glue hasn't dried so I start to fall apart again

hurt

You ever sit too still and start to think and literally feel your heart being torn into shreds and it just makes you hurt to your core...