Powerless

Anger

I've seen the emotion and I've seen it control a human being to their core. I've watched anger fester growing hotter and hotter as time passed in a man that I took after. Do you know how that feels? To see the anger eat away at a grown mighty man and wonder what it could do to you, such a soft woman. Afraid that my veins will pop out of my neck when I scream. Afraid that I'll start sweating with the festering emotion that takes up every inch of your body. Afraid that I might black out and lose myself in the moment as he so often did. To tear apart everything and everyone around me. I feel it inside me. I start to see red and all I see is destruction. It's like I literally want to rip apart everything and everyone around me. To feel the destruction under my own fingertips. I don't understand it, the anger inside. I turn it to pain because I would rather feel the warmth of tears streaming down my face then know I caused anyone else an ounce of pain. Most say that makes me weak, I say it makes me strong. It makes me strong because I don't allow it to consume me. 

Today's Final Thought

Today I've been out of the sorts. I feel like I have my good days and they are so good and then one day I crash and all the work I've done is gone. People think I'm not trying to change. I was a bitch to someone again over something small. I just melt into a messy puddle of erratic feelings. I feel stupid. I feel embarrassed. I feel ashamed. I carry all that because I know it's me. I am the problem, and this time it isn't just a low blow insult to hurt me. It is the truth. I have demons I'm facing, a storm raging inside that will not quiet. My brain never stops thinking. Why won't it stop thinking? I feel like I'm trying but I don't know if I'm trying my hardest. What if I'm lying to myself? I just want to be better. I want to be better for myself and for other people because I can't keep losing and pushing people away. I cause my own pain because of my own issues. What do you do when you are battling yourself?

Intimacy

My soul is reaching out for yours
Grasping at the air
Desperately wanting to be set free to intertwine with its destiny
Stuck to this flesh
Urging my heart to ache for yours
Longing for your touch
Patiently and painfully waiting 

No longer I wait

Although my heart aches

Yet there is peace in the absence of the chaos you created in my mind

Stuck to this flesh

Urging my heart to mend

Longing for your ghost hands to leave my body

Patiently and painfully aware you were never mine

What about me? ❣️